SPACESPACESPA May 25, 2003 - 5:37 p.m. my time

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Ris

Dear Love of My Life,

How could I have thought I could ever leave you? Those two weeks away from you were sheer hell. Waking up without you only brought misery and pain. I would be walking down the street to work thinking I could still smell you. I'd daydream of tasting you just one more time. But I've come to my senses. Now that I know what existence without you is like, I'll never leave you again!

Love always and forever,

Ris




They say coffee's bad for you. Dehydrates you. Makes you jittery. Disrupts your sleep. Causes wrinkles and under-eye bags. Raises your blood pressure.

Do you know what I say to all that? I DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE!!! I AM AN ADDICT! YOU'D HAVE TO PUT MY ASS IN REHAB TO GET ME OFF THE STUFF! I can go months without alcohol. Years without weed. I'll give up meat. I'll stop eating white bread. But jolly jumpin' Jesus, don't take my coffee away from me!

It was a bad judgment call for me to try to give up coffee. I had headaches, fatigue, and a concentration level of ZERO! It's now perfectly clear to me that I am a better person on caffeine.

So, speaking of coffee... for those of you who live in NYC and often find yourselves in the East Village, you know that Cooper Square has been taken over by not one, but TWO Starbuck's, or as some people like to call them, Fourbuck's. First of all, coffee just shouldn't cost four bucks. I don't care if it's a tall, half-caff, skim, mandarin-mocha-chip crappaccino, it's fucking coffee! Secondly, STARBUCK'S COFFEE IS SHIT!!! I wish I could crap in a cup and sell it for $4! We all should be so lucky.

Some argue that Starfuck's has the monopoly on coffee bars and that it's just convenient since there's one every 100 feet. But come on, it's not that hard to find coffee elsewhere. I can tell you right now that any bagel shop, corner deli, or diner will serve coffee that costs half as much and tastes twice as good. But you like those little cookies and pastries that Starbuck's has? Go to a doughnut shop! Go to a bakery! Or in the EVill, go to Taylor's on 2nd between 11th and 12th. They have an assortment of flavored iced coffees, cappuccino, caff� latte, etc, AND cookies and cakes worthy of sugargasms! Rice Krispy treats the size of your head, polar bear bars, brownies, pumpkin cookies with cream cheese frosting... mmmm!

If you want a place where you can sink into an armchair, study, and hang out, there are plenty of independent coffee houses in the Village. You needn't succumb to the marketing pressures of Fuckbuck's.

Or, if you live uptown, first let me offer my condolences, and then let me recommend DT-UT on 2nd and 84th. (84th? I think so, it's been a long time.) Not only is their coffee reeeeally good and their desserts as good as Taylor's, but they have S'MORES! And I'm not talking pre-made s'more-type cookies, I mean they give you marshmallows, a chocolate bar, graham crackers, sticks, and FIRE! Just don't drop that tray or accidentally singe your eyebrows as you take it to your table! The only drawback is that I recommend this place as an afternoon hangout as some nights it fills up with Upper-East side Yupsters drinking flavored Belgian beer.

But getting back to the cluster-fuck of Starbucks in Cooper Square, in March 2001, an orange truck appeared right between the two franchises. An orange truck selling real coffee. Not that over-roasted, badly brewed crap that Starbuck's is pushing. Owned and run by a really fucking cool couple and not by some greedy corporation, it brings hope back to the Village. Their 500 cups a day prove that not all of us have been hypnotized by Fourbuck's!

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Ris 2003 - You steal from me, I hunt you down and torture you with a belt-sander.
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