Homeless in NYC, Ris-style!

Are you apartmentally deficient? Do you lack employment? Are you living on extremely limited funds? Well, you don't have to sleep on the pavement or smell like week-old yogurt anymore! Just follow these easy suggestions, and you'll discover that being homeless can be a hoot!

No more peeing in the streets!
Walk into any Starbuck's and take advantage of their facilities. Sure, you might have to ask for the key, but not once have I been questioned as to whether or not I'm a customer. If some 18-year-old coffee-monkey dares to comment, I'll bust out with a big, fat lie: "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY FOUR-DOLLAR LATTES I HAVE BOUGHT FROM THIS COMPANY IN THE PAST NINE YEARS? IS THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT LOYAL CUSTOMERS?" But if you wanna be a scaredy cat about it, you can just wait for a real patron to go in, and then they'll pass you the key when they come out. Or you could avoid the whole key thing altogether by peeing at Barnes & Noble instead!

Snag a free shower!
Wanna use the most luxurious of showers? Just get buddy-buddy with someone who works in a five-star hotel! Then waltz into the spa or gym to make use of their locker room. Take full advantage of all the little freebies: soap, tampons, mouth-wash, facial cleanser, shampoo, conditioner, Q-tips, hair-dryers, nail polish remover, hair gel, body lotion, shaving cream, flip-flops, towels, and robes. Nothing like quadruple shower-heads and free chamomile soap to make homelessness worth while!

A front stoop makes a damn fine office
Just because you're homeless doesn't mean you can't be productive! Pick some steps on a quiet block, pull out your files, and start calling those dudes in Human Resources and those room-for-rent ads on Craig's List!

Couches are your friends!
They're not all that comfy, they're usually in a room with zero privacy, but dammit they beat the hell out of sleeping on the floor! Just make sure that if the owner of the couch has pets, like, oh say, a cat, that it's locked in another room so it doesn't jump on your head at 5:22 in the morning.

Need a make-over?
Go to a Sephora and perk up your puss with colors from lines such as BeneFit or Channel... for free! Need to use them later for touch-ups before going on interviews? Put them on your credit card and return them a few days later claiming the consistency was off.

$2 subway fare gotcha down?
Rule of thumb: if it's less than 25 blocks, your ass is walkin'!

Back-pack it!
Get a medium-sized back-pack, and in it you'll need to carry:
at least 5 pairs of underwear
three bras: one black, one white, and one biege/tan
a tiny bottle of Woolite
face soap
toothbrush, paste, and floss
hand-towel
hair-brush
Shiseido oil-blotting papers
a roll of quarters
deoderant & breath mints
a list of everyone in NYC who owes you favors
one nice top
one nice skirt
stylish shoes... but ones that you can actually run a few blocks in if you need to
copy of your ID
Metrocard
tissue packets

Eat cheap!
pizza by the slice
bagels
yellow rice and beans
dim sum in Chinatown
soup & salads
burgers from diners
humus
falaffel
pierogies

Kinko's is the DEVIL!
They know you need to be connected. They know you're waiting for a message from your boyfriend in Europe. They know you need to check craigslist.org! And this is why I say they are evil! $18/hr for internet access is inhumane! This is when you suck it up and visit friends at their boring-ass jobs in midtown east and let out an exasperated sigh about feeling so disconnected from the rest of the world. They will gladly offer up their T-1 connection for a few minutes!

So, you see? Being homeless isn't all that harsh, now is it? I don't know what those telethons and infomercials are always whining about!

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� Ris 2003 - You steal from me, I hunt you down and torture you with a belt-sander.
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